hopes and dreams

My hopes and dreams seem to scatter like the autumn leaves that fall from the trees
Like the sand that blows across the beach during an angry wind day
Scatter like a broken glass dropped in the sink 
thrown against the wall
A child's tear 
the mothers heartache as she has to explain yet again why
when she has no answers
 There are no answers
why is not a question that can be answered by you
not by me
Small and pitiful as they might seem to some
no matter how small every shard is painful
as it rips my heart to shreds 
as I know it is gone

Boogyman

You are the boogeyman

you are not real

they are just memories

no longer just a victim of  bondage

of my own mind

put there by the seed of your own

horrifying images 

that you stowed away in my brain

one that has grown

and grown roots firmly 

planted its branches and limbs

twisting painfully throughout my brain

like a Cancer so silent 

yet just as deadly waiting to strike 

at the most inopportune time

8-13-2011

It has been a year since I left for the last time.A year since I received that final parting hit, and yet it does not stop there. I felt whew, I'm free, he can't hurt me. Filed the protective order when they released me from the hospital. Pressed charges, again. I filed for divorce and was told that it was over. Yet I was dragged back into court repeatedly, to have the same conversation. To give the same proof. The pictures of the manufacturing of the crystal meth, the hospital records of the permanent damage you gave to me, the police reports of how many times they charged you. The judges all said the same thing, that you would cause permanent physical or psychological damage to me and our children. 3 divorce judges,1 child support judge, and 3 criminal court judges. But do you know that I still question myself daily... that I miss you so much that I cry. Logically I know I miss a memory of you, I miss who you were before the drugs took hold of your brain and you destroyed yourself. I always wonder why you made that choice to choose the drugs over your children and I. I suppose I will never know. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life, but trying to put our live together without you is just as hard. I do not miss your drug induced insane rages that became more and more frequent, but I do miss sharing my life with you. You were my very best friend and I miss that friend. I did leave, I stayed in a shelter, and then a transitional housing. Moved on to a Public housing option and now into Section 8. I have almost completed my Bachelors degree and am working in counseling for the PTSD. Our children are happy and rarely talk about you, but continue to receive therapy 1 a week. Hopefully someone out there will read this and know that yes it is hard, but they are not alone.